Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
