She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We had sex on a dog bed..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
