I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
