He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
