booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The best revenge is premature balding
my shit smells like andre
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
