i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
