Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish I only lived at night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
