I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
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