i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize