Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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