the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
