life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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