your parents love me but you hate me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
