i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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