Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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