I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
