Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
