Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
