To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
