my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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