I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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