Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
