Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
