Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
