i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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