Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I cut my penus on the lid.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
