Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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