??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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