You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
