sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
