She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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