it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
