i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
