barbara walters just said penis...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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