i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
