i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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