you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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