i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
