Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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