Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
