i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
