so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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