i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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