last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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