I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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