sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
