Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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