just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
