I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
