I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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