I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
