Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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