I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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