This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
