I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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