mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
